


nor are we forgiven

by canismajor (fallenluci)



Series: we have not touched the stars [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post TFA, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, space mom leia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 06:08:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5956516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenluci/pseuds/canismajor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I haven't had much of a chance to speak to you about how you are dealing with all of this, Poe, but I know what unhealthy behavior looks like when I see it. I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to take care of yourself. You need to do things for you, not because they're important for a mission, or because someone else needs you, but because you need something that takes you out of the awfulness and darkness of war, even for a moment."</p><p>In the days following the Battle of Starkiller Base, the survivors try to piece together whatever fractured lives they have left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	nor are we forgiven

**Author's Note:**

> i just want to make it clear that my knowledge of the star wars universe is limited to episode I - VII, the novel 'before the awakening' and the shattered empire comics. i am by no means completely versed in the extended universe, and this is mostly a series of guesswork and research through wookiepedia. sorry for any inconsistencies.

The casualty list is something Poe doesn't like to think about. Running on an average of three hours sleep and what is most definitely  _not_ the required amount of food for someone as active as him play some part in his ignorance; the other half is intentional. Between his long and constant visits to the infirmary, and various meetings that require far more attention than Poe ever gives them, he's running on just about empty. The only thing that has him still awake and functioning is Jessika, who refuses to let him retreat into a routine that consists of  _Finn, eat, Finn, meeting, Finn, sleep, Finn_. In fact, she was the one who suggested he talk to Rey before she left.

"I never really did thank you," Poe calls over to Rey, who is loading food portions on to the Millennium Falcon.

She lifts her head, squinting slightly through the sunlight at the unfamiliar voice, her face softening slightly when she meets Poe's eyes. It's nice, and something Poe is not entirely used to. Rey and Finn both have the same kindness in them, something that is rare and beautiful in two people who have every reason to face the world with bitterness.

"What for?" she asks pleasantly, hoisting the bag over her shoulder and continuing her task.

"Keeping BB-8 safe," Poe lifts up one of the bags and follows Rey onto the ship, "besides all the fact that it had the map, it's my friend, and it told me that you were the one to save it from being scavenged for parts."

Dumping the bag in one of the smuggling compartments - Poe following suit - Rey turns to him and smiles modestly. "I guess BB-8 left out the part where I said it couldn't follow me, then considered selling it for more portions I have ever seen in my life."

"But you didn't, that's what's important."

They both spend the next few moments loading the bags into Falcon, chatting idly about small, safe topics, before Rey goes quiet. It's not until they're both standing outside, the ship fully packed, that she speaks again.

"I'm going to be gone before he wakes up. Who knows when I'll be back. I wouldn't go if there was any other choice, and I've been trying to hang around here as long as I can, but I can tell that everyone's getting restless. No one wants to say it, but we have the map, what else are we waiting for? And the worst part is, I understand them. I'm restless here too, and I don't know what it is, but ever since I left Jakku, there's this part of me that just can't stop moving. Like all it wants to do is get further and further away until I'm finally convinced that I never have to go back. Am I making any sense?"

Poe lets his eyes roam over the Falcon, picking his next words carefully. "I think, I think there's something about being able to fly that changes the way you look at your life. When you're capable of travelling wherever you want, it's hard to stay still for too long."

The first time he flew on his own, there was this overwhelming feeling of freedom, like there was nothing left to hold him down. It's a feeling he has never lost, whenever he flies, it's still there. That soft reassurance in his chest, letting him know that he isn't chained anywhere.

"I just don't want Finn to think that he wasn't important enough for me to stay," Rey says softly, "because he is important, I just need to do this."

"I'll make sure he knows."

Rey looks over at him, and for a moment, all Poe sees is an incredibly lonely, incredibly brave nineteen year old girl. Like the casualty list, like the statistics for Finn's recovery, Rey's grief has been something Poe tired to push to the back of his mind, not to dwell on. Ever since they got back to the base, there has been a constant whirlwind of activity that requires his attention, and personal emotions have not been his main focus. He thought it was a good way to compartmentalize, but he's starting to realize that all he was really succeeding at was pushing the people he should be connecting with further away.

With a smile that seems more like an attempt to keep from crying, Rey turns away, looking over at the sky. "I never knew that it could hurt so much to leave people behind."

Poe thinks back to what Finn had told him about Rey, about how she had been left behind on Jakku when she was only a child.

"It's not forever."

Rey nods, pressing her palms against her eyes for a moment, and taking a deep breath. "I'll be back."

 

-

 

 

The meeting Poe's in probably should require a lot more attention than he's giving it, but right now, he's fully concentrated on not falling asleep and embarrassing himself in front of what's left of the New Republic. Bitterly, he wishes that Jessika was here, she tended to be the one who kept him focused during these kinds of meetings, and then filled him in on any details he missed afterwards. But apparently, this was a meeting for people higher up on the payroll than a fighter pilot, but low enough for Poe to be included, at General Organa's personal request.

"-where do you even begin to look for someone like him? The unknown regions are called that for a reason, we have no idea what's out there."

Poe blinks heavily, trying to focus on the matter at hand.

"We may be putting our troops in even more danger by sending them into uncharted territory where the First Order has an advantage."

"They hardly have an advantage now, most of their troops were killed on Starkiller Base, they've lost their best weapon, who's left to lead them?"

"Reports from those present in the battle say that Kylo Ren, along with many other high ranking First Order officials, escaped to the unknown regions."

"But they've lost manpower. They may know the system better, but that's hardly an advantage when the entirety of the Resistance is on your doorstep."

Poe glances over at General Organa, who sits near the head of the table, silent. She hasn't spoken since the beginning of the meeting, but Poe feels as though when she does speak, she will have a far better plan than the other bickering officials around her.

"It should be clear now that numbers hardly matter in war. The Hosnian System outnumbered the First Order by millions-"

"Civilians! They were civilians and were not prepared for an attack. Even if they were, the weapon they were up against was close to unstoppable. Our forces are prepared and ready for an attack. The two aren't even comparable."

"And who's to say worse horrors aren't waiting for our forces out there?"

"We have two options. Sit here and do nothing, while waiting for their troops to grow again, or we can bring the fight to them while they are weak and defenseless, saving ourselves from another potential destruction of one of the Republic controlled systems. They have made it very clear that this is no longer something that we can stay neutral on. They have declared war against us, our way of life, and our way of ruling."

"If we continue the war in the way that we're going, soon there will be no one left to rule."

General Organa stands, sending the room into an almost reverent hush. "This meeting was called to find a resolution for the way forward, not for bickering like children. I agree that something needs to be done, it was our ignorance and underestimation of the First Order that has us in this situation in the first place. But there is something to be said for the safety of our troops in the unknown regions, which should  _always_  be our first priority. Our humanity and compassion for all of our people is what separates us from the First Order. As soon as we start treating our troops as disposable, we are no better than the enemy."

It takes Poe a moment to realize that  _he_ was a member of the 'disposable troops' that the other generals were fighting about, and it's starting to become clear why General Organa had called him to this meeting.

When no one responds to her, General Organa sighs. "It's clear that this council is not going to get us anywhere today. Tempers are still running high, and we are all still grieving. We will return to this soon, senate dismissed."

Poe waits until most of the room has cleared out, and until General Organa is alone before making his way to her.

"General, I wish to inform you, on behalf of the Resistance Starfleet, that we are ready and awaiting your command, whatever it may be. We are committed to the Resistance, and we know the risks."

She smiles fondly. "Commander Dameron, while your loyalty is commendable, I will not have any more troops lost under my command," her tone shifts slightly, making it clear that they are no longer speaking commander to general, but as friends. "Do you know why I requested you attend this meeting, Poe?"

The question catches him off guard. "As a representative for the Starfleet?"

General Organa shakes her head. "When was the last time you went flying?"

"The battle, but what does that have to do w-"

"And when was the last time you had a full night's sleep?"

Poe doesn't respond, and General Organa raises an eyebrow.

"I haven't had much of a chance to speak to you about how you are dealing with all of this, Poe, but I know what unhealthy behavior looks like when I see it. I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to take care of yourself. You need to do things for you, not because they're important for a mission, or because someone else needs you, but because you need something that takes you out of the awfulness and darkness of war, even for a moment."

She places a hand on his shoulder, and he ducks his head, not wanting to meet her eyes, not sure if he can keep himself together if he does.

"Poe, get some rest."

 

-

 

It's not that Poe is deliberately being self destructive, it's just that he can barely lie still for five minutes before he feels guilty about leaving Finn alone, while he's lying comfortably in his bed. That's why, at near two in the morning, he finds himself slouched in the all too familiar chair by Finn's bed, speaking to him softly, even if he can't hear.

"Rey left yesterday. I didn't really think I would miss her so much, but you two are so alike. Well, there are parts of you that are similar. You're both so happy and kind. It's nice, you don't really get that kind of warmth on a military base."

He leans back in the chair, looking up at the ceiling. The whole building has the same cold, white sterility, making everything feel foreign and unwelcome. Poe had spent his fair share of time in the infirmary, after countless mission related - and stupidity related - injuries, including the time Jessika pushed him out of her X Wing while she was cleaning it, and he nearly broke his tail bone.

"When you're up and at it again, I'm taking you flying. It'll be good, maybe I'll even teach you how to fly. It's not too hard, I learnt when I was a kid, and in my mom's RZ-1 A-Wing Interceptor. She used to sit me up on her lap, and show me how the controls worked," a sad smile melts across his face at the memory. "She was incredible. I don't remember all that much about her, but dad has pictures and stories back home. I wish I remembered more. General Organa is always telling me about how amazing she was, and how much I resemble her. I guess that makes it a pretty high compliment if she was as wonderful as everyone tells me she was."

Poe glances over at the steady rise and fall of Finn's chest, counting the spaces between breaths, willing his eyelids to flicker open.

"C'mon buddy, your the strongest person I know. Not many people would be brave enough to risk their lives as many times as you did, especially for someone they didn't know."

There's a small part of Poe that feels guilty whenever he thinks about what happened back on Jakku, in Tuanul. He doesn't know whether Finn was one of the troopers in the conflict, or if he stayed on board, but he can't help but wonder what would have happened if Finn had just been in the wrong place in the wrong time. Poe has shot at more than a few Stormtroopers during his time with the Resistance, what if more of them were like Finn, genuinely good people who had just drawn the short straw when it came to the life that was chosen for them.

"I'm so sorry, Finn," Poe breathes, his exhaustion finally catching up with him as he lies his head back, closing his eyes.

 

-

 

It's Jessika who finally pulls him away from the base, into some bar with Snap and a few other pilots, where the lights are dim and the music is slightly too loud. Poe loves her, and appreciates her for what she's trying to do, but the entire time, his mind is back in the infirmary, knowing that every moment he's away is a moment Finn could wake up.

"Apparently, General Organa is looking for an official escort to some of the other planets under the Republic, some kind of diplomatic mission. I'm going to apply, sounds like a nice break from flying offensive all the time."

Between his split focus and the amount he's had to drink, Poe's amazed he can still understand what Jessika is talking about. "You're going to fit the General in your X-Wing?"

"Ha ha asshole," Jessika smacks him over the head. "I'll be flying one of the official approved Escort Shuttle. You should apply, you've flown more ships than any of us. Didn't you learn to fly in an A-Wing?"

Poe grimaces. The last time he had flown an A-Wing had not gone well. The interceptor had felt too similar to his mother's, and had brought with it cold memories of his first crash after her death, when he tried to fly away from Yavin 4 in a fit of teenage anger. The A-Wing had crashed to the ground in an explosion of fire and shrapnel. According to his father and the medics, he had been lucky to survive.

"I think I'll leave this one to you."

Jessika nodded into her drink. "Probably for the best, don't really want go up against the best pilot of the Resistance."

With a smirk, Poe downs what's left in his glass and glances around for Snap. Of the three of them, Snap is taking Asty's death the hardest; Poe most ignores anything that requires an emotional response, and while Jessika was close to him, she wasn't as close as Snap was.

"He's okay," Jessika mumbles, following Poe's glances and connecting the dots. "He's dealing with it, it's amazing how talking about things helps the recovery process."

Her tone isn't exactly accusatory, but Poe gathers her meaning anyway, and it sobers him considerably. "I'm dealing with everything fine, Pava."

She laughs, and there's almost a bitterness to it. "Right, I forgot. All those support group therapy sessions you've attended, all the funerals you've actually been to."

It isn't often that Jessika gets mean when she drinks, which just proves how much of a toll everything is taking on her. Poe feels bad for not really noticing, but to be fair, he hasn't been noticing much lately.

Jessika must notice that she overstepped, because he next words are soft and careful. "Look, we're all worried about you, Poe. No one's ever seen you like this, not even after Muran. You don't talk to us about anything, we had to learn about your mother from the Republic history classes. You act like everything's fine and okay when you're joking around with us, but as soon as the conversation gets heavy, you get this blank look over your face. If it weren't for us constantly chasing you down, we would have lost you to the infirmary days ago."

"I'm just tired, Jess. It's nothing to worry about."

Jessika watches his face for a moment before sighing and turning back to her glass. "I love you, Poe. We all do. Please remember that."

 

-

 

Poe didn't expect his life could get much worse, yet here he is. To begin with, he's strapped to the torture chair in the grasp of the First Order, Kylo Ren looming in front of him. The man in the mask doesn't scare him, he stopped being scared of arrogant assholes a long time ago, but what he can do to Poe's head is terrifying.

"You probably didn't expect to end up back here," Kylo Ren paces in front of him. "But to be honest with you, you're not the one I'm after. You stole something from me, a soldier that aided your escape last time. I want to know where he is."

 _Finn_. Poe's breath seizes in his throat, and panic sets in. He has no sharp comebacks, no bravado to get him through.

"We both know that you  _will_ tell me the location of the stormtrooper I want, one way or another. I'm giving you the chance to do so now, pain free."

"Fuck you."

Kylo Ren shrugs. "Pity, let it never be said that I don't have the capability for mercy."

The pain begins, just as piercing as Poe remembered it, like his skull is being split apart and searched through. He can feel Ren there, picking through his brain, taking what he wants.  _Shut him out, shut him out, shut him out_ , a voice repeats over and over, but it's hard to hear over his own cries of pain. He tries his best to focus on something, anything, that will distract Ren, obstruct his memories. But when he pulls forward memories of his childhood, Ren just chuckles darkly.

"Oh, you think I'm looking for the stormtrooper right away? Commander Dameron, there is punishment for those who don't submit to the First Order, now what do we have here."

His mother, smiling down at him as she gets out of her A-Wing, picking him up and holding him close.

"No," Poe protests weakly. "Get out of my head."

Ren hums patiently. "Your mother, was she a commander too? What happened to her? Oh, I see. That must have been hard for you, Dameron. What were you, eight? I see it. These are some of your most painful memories, aren't they? Your crashes, the deaths you've had to face. Who's this?"

Muran's face is pulled violently into the forefront of Poe's mind. With a strangled cry, Poe struggles against his restraints, trying to lunge at Ren.

"Killed on one of your missions, that must be a lot of guilt for you. Wasn't that long ago either, what was this, the Suraz engagement? Have you even told anyone about this, about how much  _guilt_ there is inside of you?"

Poe tries to pull away, to block him out, but his efforts do nothing but exhaust him, and Ren just shakes his head.

"There's no pushing me out, Dameron. I can have whatever I want."

Poe's about ready to black out, when a sharp, prolonged beep breaks him free.

Bolting upright, Poe wakes up, his sheets cold with sweat and his chest heaving. It takes a few moments for him to calm down, to recognize his surrounds before his heart rate starts to approach 'normal'. Beside his bed, BB-8 rolls nervously on the spot, a series of fast, incomprehensible beeps echoing around the otherwise empty room.

"Buddy, calm down, I'm okay, it's okay."

_Elevated heart rate, yelling in sleep. Call medic?_

"No, no, it was just a nightmare, I'm okay."

BB-8 observes him silently for a moment, it's nervous moving stilled. _You are well now?_  

Poe smiles fondly. "Yeah buddy, I'm good."

BB-8 makes a small noise it uses to indicate contentedness, and rolls slowly back to it's power station.

With a heavy sigh, Poe falls back down on his bed, trying to push the nightmare to the side, but it doesn't work. Everything about it, the pain, the memories, it all felt so real, so raw. His mind wanders back to Jessika at the bar, her comment about the support groups. He doesn't know if he could ever bring himself to do it, walk into a room filled with people who have all lost, just like him. To talk about his lost ones, to bring them back only to accept that they were truly gone.

One thing is clear, he's not going to be getting much more sleep tonight. He throws on some pants and a shirt, and locks his door behind him. If he can't open up to a support group, maybe he can still tell someone, regardless of whether they will be able to respond or not.

 

Jessika finds him the next morning, asleep by Finn's bed.


End file.
